Omigod, I just finished leading a three-hour discussion on Alasdair MacIntyre (philosopher).
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh... Its so nice to be done.

But the purpose of this post is to solicit prayer for my brother. His trail is tomorrow. Pray for justice as mental treatment. Jail would not help him.

I know, its been ages since I posted. Mostly because I have had nothing to stay and still don't. Life has continued despite its suckiness. My brother's trail is on Thursday. I covet your prayers. Please pray that he will opt for psychiatric treatment as opposed to jail time. (Who wouldn't?) He is stubborn about not needing help. Much to our frustration. This process has made me profoundly aware that even though I cannot make decisions for my brother or fix him, his decisions affect those around him powerfully and deeply. I guess that is life as a human in community. Its not fair. I also need divine motivation in school. Honestly, now that the emotional drama has passed, it feels like a cloud has settled around me. I feel weary in my soul, yet I am supposed to be as productive and efficient as ever. I just don't want to read philosophy, okay. It really doesn't seem important right now, but I have to. So that's the update.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I bear pain in my soul,
and have sorrow in my heart all day long?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God!
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
and my enemy will say, "I have prevailed";
my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.

But I trusted in your steadfast love (hesed);
my heart shall rejoice in you salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

- Psalm 13

So, my brother beat my mom and is in jail. And this is after a psychotic weekend of 911 calls and hospital visits. Talk about trauma. My mother and I have filed a restraining order and tomorrow is his arraignment. Ugh. Bleh. Yuck. This sucks. I feel totally overwhelmed. I want to be an ostrich and just stick my head in the sand. That would be nice. Usually I am so in control of my life. I know what to do and how to do it. And I do it well. But I just don't know. I mean, I guess I can't really do anything, but I don't even know how to feel. There is a tumult of emotions swirling about inside me. Its not very helpful for writing papers. And now I am legally protected from my own brother. He cannot come within 200 yards of me. How odd! My own brother, the one who gives me chocolate, tea and a rock with "Love" engraved on it, who held me when I was crying at my grandfathers funeral, who took me hiking and rockclimbing. I feel as though he is dead and some monster has taken his place. I wish I could find peace and be quiet and still. And all the chaos would settle down. Just float down like feathers back into the world of normalcy. I would even settle for boring and mundane. And don't you dare say that there is peace in God. Sometimes life sucks and there is no peace. If only I could awake from this nightmare.

On Monday I babysat a three year old and a six month old. While I loved it, I felt fragmented. Sometime while I was trying to make lunch with a baby on my hip, I thought, Do I really want four kids? Or do I just want more time between them? I do love kids though. And you know why? Well, let me tell you. Kids accept you as you are. They say (I guess the "they" is psychologists) that the greatest human need is unconditional love. Kids give that. Or maybe they think adults have it all together and are SO cool, but they're really just naive. Either way, they never try to conform me to some idea of what is socially acceptable and appropriate. Kids like it when you're silly and off-the-wall. They don't care what you're wearing or how much you weigh or what grade you got on the last paper or how productive you've been or who you're dating. They are able to do what I always try but never succeed: they let go. They just want to have fun. They see the miracles we rush by and stand in awe of common beauty. And they have absolutely no conception of time, that's one similarity we share. No wonder Jesus liked kids.